Dear Moavi: Cast Away

Dear Moavi,
It’s been long and yes it feels like we haven’t met in ages. I do look for you in places both real and imaginary in the wake life and in the world of dreams. I have been searching for you and yet it’s me whose lost, I wonder where you are and I question that if you even acknowledge the whispers I murmur so loud, it’s been tough and it’s been difficult, there are questions I can’t find answers to and there are the vivid ones that I choose to ignore yet it’s the isolation that I find myself in, like an endless well where it’s me and where I was supposed to feel your presence…I have stopped enjoying things and I couldn’t feel again it’s troubling me to sleep and when I’m awake somehow it feels that I haven’t closed my eyes in epochs, it’s a devour of purpose and the sight of witnessing everything go…An endless dark tunnel where even light feels so banal and meaningless. I feel so thirsty that even the water doesn’t provide me comfort anymore, can’t you come for once can’t we be just together holding hands witnessing the sea as the sun sets with no words uttered and no emotions untouched.
Can’t you just be here?
Yes, I say I don’t expect but on some layers, my barriers just floats and vulnerability feels so vivid and beautiful, that I can’t resist being greedy and I imagine, is this vigor relentless is also a part of being human? that all the joy in the world chooses to drown and breathlessness imbibes you in your own company.
Every day as I gently wave my curtains the frame refuses to tell a story the sun has gone past and the rays have lost their warmth, all across till the voyage of my sight I see a world frozen a world which has refused to change and a me who isn’t capable of even accepting the me I have become. I could hear the clock on the route of tick…tick…tick…tick…tick…tick…tick and that’s all I even have to write tick…tick…tick can’t you see I’m running out of even time, a soldier with no battlefield to fight for, a pianist who has forgotten chords and a sailor who doesn’t recognize the language of the sea.
Sea, I feel I have a connection with waves I feel it’s the ripples that resonate stretching its hands calling me yet in all my desperate attempts we both are short in our tries like an unrequited love whose existence is only to be left behind. Being left behind is a rock bottom experience and I live with it as every moment passes away…Poetry has abandoned my rhymes my pen has foreseen its ink being dried and my heart even skips the beats so void, I wonder which road to trek as I see a long desert where the dunes don’t speak the sand loses the grip…floating like pearl and descending like autumn, the moon is red and I nowhere see home.
Maybe if you were here you would have advised me to be patient you could have said that don’t lose hope and soon things will get better, maybe you could have taken my pages and recited my poems like the creation of wonders, maybe you would have taken me to Dublin or Paris…There’s an incessant never-ending list of maybe’s yet one thing for sure…Dear, you are not here.
Dear Moavi…Like a perfume losing its fragrance like lilies and orchids refusing to outgrow their buds…I’m lost and yet I don’t wish to be found.
I’m lost just to the way I wanted to be lost.

By – Kshitij Sinha
13/02/2022