Fresh as Daisy ( An Excerpt From My Diary)

Dear Moavi,
Ok, for now, I’m your last and only hope so better do what I say only to imagine the thoughts the way I’m going to allow them to dwell. So for beginning better to find a comfortable chair take deep breaths and feel my voice tickling over your lucid body. I can be your friend, your lover, your fiancé or even you, I exist all at once and I’m not even there at all, now I’m going to decorate you in the veil I have designed precisely for you, the veil of silence for the kind of silence you need for the kind of peace you have always wanted to achieve. You’re doing great and yet I don’t have any further complaints to make, whatever happened wasn’t good yes it wasn’t whatever you learned from that…but does that even matter, still there’s an eternal truth which we can’t change one you can’t forget one which doesn’t need to make sense yet apart from our memory time just can’t be manipulated.
Yes, I can see that curious look in your eyes the simpler window to your soul but let’s perceive it in another way let’s question and think what could we do with the memory, the thin fragile threads of all the emotions robe to laughter parachute to happiness yet the bridge to disastrous vulnerability’s the gateway to all those haunting dreams, so are you ready to manipulate them are you ready to be on chariot and let it runs in every other possibility of action the freeway conquest of whatever you have always wished to happen, let it shut all those disappoints let it butcher those despair let it murder the siblings of remorse, present as well as hidden but honestly does that produced any joy undoubtedly a castle was created the walls of glass kept being reflected but was it real, as the inception won’t provide any elation when your eyes will open and the counterfeit empire will begin to collapse leaving behind the pain of all you could have achieved all the possibilities it could have led created by the memory you developed for your own happiness.
I don’t know dear how to move further, should I frown, howl or just disappear as all my life I have been creating delusions and finally, it’s hard to accept the fullness of this dejected desert as the oasis I dreamt off doesn’t just seem to appear, it’s the burden of this divine silence one I trusted more than myself the silence which kept resonating in echoes the echoes of all the distributed noise I made, As here I’m strangled and trapped as here I’m in the solitary numbness of everything that’s absent in the void where memory showed me the solitude of acceptance. How Dear how should I now even welcome the hope, as the vocals have refused to utter any words as the tongue pledges to not lie anymore. You asked me to be strong and who won’t as there’s no easier way to convey the passivity to let the things go, yet I wish things were that simple and yet you do always know the longingness you presume the things you fantasized the hardship you begged to accompany the harmony which you now see burning naked in the burst of coarse morning’s, the cry the weep the hollering as you now see everything excluding what you thought things to be, except what your desires solemnly spoke and convinced. It’s just a drink of bitterness poisonous as it seems pure something which nobody sees, sharp and clear just like the thirsty sufferings. Undoubtedly I lost an opportunity undoubtedly it was one of the worst days of my life, I wish I just could cry and let it be flown away with tears but it settled down, it just froze and precipitated the coldness and the fearful loneliness one I wish no one has to ever face again. Yet I know I can’t express, I know I can’t display but one thing I have realized for sure one thing that does happen and shook me entirely from the heart.
Dear, I was a glass proud and complete as I said profoundly to reflect but not formidable born brittle and fragile, and this rejection pushed me to the brim it estranged and stroked in the ambush of meddling, with full force and all the imbibed thrust yes you got that right it broke me into fragmented pieces of despair, remorse, and threw me into the lap of old benevolent melancholy. She was kind and she has always been still, I was thrilled meeting her the alter ego of mine. She reminded me something of utter importance that the silly poorest I was never strong, maybe masqueraded but never ever still in the depths I realized how to detach and how not to expect maybe these are the alibis that I forgot to cry too soon. That even at the time I was thrashed and separated I had the sense to amalgamate in isolation and in the debris of the autumn and gales. I shall remain fallen until the new world steps forth to the rescue and liberation of the old and yes rejection is a disease, it eats you up slowly till the end of the plague the only thing you’re left with is a desperate discomfort of thriving hunger. I don’t complain anything still I do seldom feel the need of your support dear, not just in words but hold me tight that’s all I seek and that’s all I need as memory is nothing but an eternal rumor, there you’re between the doors of known and unknown somewhere in my eternal perception always fresh and smiling as daisies.

By- Kshitij Sinha
22/8/2017