Dear Moavi: A Beautiful Truth

 Dear Moavi, I lost my emerald day before yesterday or an eternity ago as since it has gone I have forgotten the difference between the two, the intricacies of time and the myriad sunrises they feel like an incessant loop I wake up I look at my finger I tap trying to feel that metal and the depth of the green calmness pushing the loose end back through my thumb and now I feel a void.
It’s just not there even after knowing this fact I still keep on repeating the same process, again and again, hoping that it’ll return or maybe I was not ready to let it go, speaking of which are we ever ready to let something go…maybe if there’s a hostile repulsive thought of running away from a particular moment or a place we feel elated that we chose the step and are now out of it but can this act be called as letting go since we never accepted it at the first place. I feel this maze here as I sit in the house that my parents have brought or rather say it’s an apartment which I never wanted to call home, I have always tried to be away from it I don’t involve myself in its decisions I don’t like the aesthetics the arrangments the choices, every detail of it I had find repulsive or I forced myself to feel that way, I can’t clearly state that.
As since I never accepted it I know it’ll always be easy for me to let it go and maybe there’s a place out there which I’ll build choosing every part of it imagining the perfect location, the green and the river having a corner for thoughts and an area for intellectual growth where even if I fail I can say it’s me who designed that dip. I’ll place all of my thoughts to like it accepting every crack as a part of its adjective and will then after accepting it from all my heart…will I really find it hard to let it go?
It’s been a long that I have kissed someone, I have found it to be a very soothing feeling of inner bliss like a ray of light telling you it’s ok and everything is fine…It’s like being in an irreplaceable zone of ease and I could have never imagined that sharing space with someone can have so much joy in it and talking about kiss, I have to accept that to kiss on the forehead is like letting them know that don’t worry I’m here with you and even if everything is not fine I’m with you…I wonder why I’m saying this now, but maybe because there’s more comfort in making you as someone’s home rather than manifesting them as yours, It’s always easier to go that way…So is getting accepted better than accepting it yourself, I’m clearly in no position to vouch for that but that idea seems thought-provoking and there’s a part in it that just grips you with this question.

Sitting next to a lake watching the sunset is a pure emotion of zeal and peace with someone next to you and a reminder that there’s so much to be fixed in life when alone.
Dear Moavi, so what is it? is it companionship that makes it harder to stay or to let it go?
I look at my finger for the answer and my emerald isn’t there anymore to state.

By- Kshitij Sinha
18/05/2022