Last night you came into my dreams, I don’t know the extent till which it’ll stay true yet there you were an intruder, not any random passersby, you were there for scrutiny I could sense you looking at me, again and again, gazing at me like a shadow flickering over and over, still there I was not knowing what to do with you. Can’t look at you can’t hold you can’t come even a step closer to you maybe, in reality, the things could have been different yet in a dream, I hold no control.
I do appreciate your choice for our adulterated rendezvous, it’s been months since we broke up yet it feels like a whole eternity engulfed in wine, I was feeling high and elated though all in wrong ways, I just didn’t wanted to ever look at you again. It was a new journey for me and it all started very well the first love the sacred first love yet was I ever in love I do question that.
Reality changes and worlds keep changing there phases in this poised land and there I am repeating again and again trapped in an instant. I remember our first meet I betrayed water and it paid me back, although I don’t regret it completely I do seldom wish that was if I have lingered and what if I have chosen to swim again, diving in the azure holding my breath, touching the grounds hovering over bubbles and just being drained in the end. I guess my life would have been different I guess maybe I would have been different.
I won’t go ahead though there’s no point now remembering black coffee ( without sugar), dark forest and a bottle of coke, yet is it that pointless either, I don’t know I do have questioned myself several times and even after knowing the answer I still get baffled. See my phone vibrated and I looked the screen hoping maybe it could be you, I know you’re number is blocked and all I’ll see will be that but it’ll remind that you haven’t still forgotten me completely and maybe just maybe in that impatience I’ll live. It doesn’t completely upsets me that you were lying to me from the very inception, you do have myriad followers and it doesn’t upsets me that there likes became a priority for you, it doesn’t upsets me that you misguided me and when I confronted you, there were those fake tears of yours and a confession that you have developed feelings for someone else, but what that upsets me is that I was always right, I kept telling you that there’s nothing called love, change is the only constant and we are not going to be forever, the only thing that upsets me that I was always right I kept telling you that no there’s no forever and it’s all just a harmonal unbalance that’s all, the only thing that hurts me is that I was always right yet in the process I started believing that no even I could be wrong it hurts to realize in the process of making you strong , I was losing a me which was my guardian I gave you my shield being completely vulnerable , it doesn’t matters that you kept breaking my trust again and again it doesn’t matters that you beign a master in peering deep in the eye and lying like warrior as instead it pleases my soul I know I was worth a rebellion. It’s such a lovely feeling that I succeeded in empowering the weak and subtle girl, who’ll cling like a baby , who’ll cry and weep like a monsoon the one who’ll sleep on my shoulder for millennial into a strong, bold and self centered strong woman, one that I always wished you to be. I knew this part will come in our relationship I was prepared from the day one, it took some time and now look at you, an epitome of all I couldn’t even wish. I won’t go any further and I won’t linger in saying I wish you do success in your life and all that melodramatic crap. As I don’t even care, it just doesn’t matters to me not even a tiny bit of you concerns anymore, yes you’re gone and there’s no chance to retrace the steps back. I have realized that love is well defined as a feeling I can’t form or build or even succeed, it’s not my area and I know I’m incapable of making any sort of relationships. Yet in that dream you asked whether I think about you?
It’s a tough question, I wish but I can’t completely deny and yes I do think about you rather occasionally I’ll say, it’s a complex feeling, I know I don’t long for you, I know I don’t miss or crave any nostalgia related to you, yet rather in those thoughts of mine, with a red mine in hand and savoury Jazz in my head I do seldom, rather occasionally think is a chance that she’ll be thinking about me? I don’t know whether I hope for a yes or for a blunt no yet all just seizes there. Like a cup empty, abandoned, and manipulated.
By- Kshitij Sinha