Dear Moavi (These Words)

August 30, 2020August 30, 2020 by Kshitij Sinha

Dear Moavi, I don’t remember the last time I wrote these words, but I must have definitely been as enlightened as I’m right now. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to write. It’s been ages since I even last wrote as it feels like the person with pen in me has left its abode I feel that void it’s a broken emptiness, something I was so long attached. I wish he must be roaming somewhere traveling the whole of Europe probably which I have always wished but never could, never even in the path I see lying ahead and dear that, that’s something that scares me the most. To not being able to achieve that. To not being able to walk those aisles which I have always imagined dreamed and desired. I feel so lonely surrounded by people as the idea of standing there even in silhouette amazes me. They say time brings everything closer and they say you’ll get all your wishes fulfilled with time as there’s a so-called perfect timing for everything yet they also say that time and tide waits for none and time heals every wound. I wish that pain and anguish are far better than such healing which lets you accept the defeat. I find it very hard to develop feelings, be attached to someone and to be open in a way that I feel elevated in that conversation, I find it so easy to detach that lack of emotional connection scares me and troubling my mind by roaming in worthless myriad directions…thinking and thinking it just never stops and keeps going on and on and on endlessly and if there’s something that I have learned from my experience is if thinking sows something for sure that it has to be doubt fear and insecurities it just doesn’t allow the mind to settle and instead it persuades you to jump into multiple boats simultaneously letting you know that you should stick to one thing and never proving anything wrong or better then the other. Confusing as it sounds and pressuring once you feel. It says that you’re wasting your time, you’re not focused and you should do this and then it’ll blabber about why you shouldn’t and why it’s not the right choice…but..but what if you tried and then there won’t a reason to regret later right? With echo going what’s the point of trying when it was discussed that the decision is a gamble and you are not in the financial position either to take that. But isn’t it the financial position that started all these a roadmap to fulfill the dreams we began with isn’t that the first priority. Then why not this option which will bring you closer to this, see your friend did that…and if he can then so do you, but will you or should you isn’t it also gamble again isn’t it isn’t it isn’t it isn’t it isn’t it.I wish you could understand how frustrating it gets every day…I wish if I could just close my eyes in your laps and sleep in a deep slumber one without even dreams one without even ambition and goals one dream where I’ll be there with you in complete solace and nothing else, no thoughts no nightmares no sorrow no tears. I wish I had a solution and I wish I could have asked you one….Dear I need you more than ever I need you to stay with my guide me whisper those words and smiles to me I want you to breathe life to me. I have started a meltdown where I’m losing to myself and to the myself who have expectations to me…I have started to procrastinate and I have become lazy, instead of hustling I see myself just giving up easily as if I’m losing all those which made me….MeI don’t know what I love and what I hate anymore…Just come to me now Dear, it’s so hard without you.

Dear it’s so dark without you.

By- Kshitij Sinha
7/11/2019

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