Cologne companions (An Excerpt from my Diary)

Dear Moavi,

(Part1- Patience)

I guess it’s been too long since the last time we converse and its string of long shared bonding that we share with us. I wonder all those years how would I have survived if it wasn’t you all those talks all those jokes which just you could laugh at, haven’t just erased from my mind they’re there in the folder of unforgetful memories and I just linger to dwell over them turning the pages of an epitome melody. I stand today in front of you piercing my sharp pen over your tinder pages just jotting and bolting down those wild thoughts keeping peace and harmony with the lost and the forgotten. Like the replica of someone I lost, someone I used to admire in glittery shiny mirrors. Still like the old days still savored those flatteries of words we exchanged, even today you didn’t protest the assault even today I ripped you apart more gruesome than I thought. Still why you didn’t utter to resist the freeway rape, why you have been so kind to me dear. Why ??, that’s the answer I seek. Knowing I’ll haunt you only the times when I was vulnerable, melancholy has always been there yet you never got fed up from all fetish amalgamated dim and diminished thoughts, where all I have to offer you were the exact same repeated verses gloom masqueraded in trains presented under the gambling dungeons. You turned me cruel in the salvation of rebellious freedom, leaving me miserable under the realm of mercy. Blindingly seeking for the denial you never gave, the denial you were so partial with as the biased you only favored the privileged. Your silence haunts me it haunts to the core of my existence to the soul long dead and devastated. Unharmed I stand unharmed from the battlefield where everyone died not a warrior indeed for me you chose the death of a coward. In the vicinity of isolation, you jailed me in the solitary walls of introspection pushing the looper again to travel in the past of randomness till the ink refills itself again till the pages turn back being naïve, no more agitated instead a bud on the brink of lawlessness. As there I cry, as there I refuse to wipe my tears. The needle and the elation in that stroke of dear Midnight blue, the adobe of lost and broken. You were there just lying like a bride ready with possession, while I was your no terms and conditions. With the curves of exploding cursive heart, I choired your name with passionDear Moavi, Vague and nebulous is the beginning of all, not necessarily the ending.

(Part2- Hope)

Life is a journey of unexpected expectations and it still goes on, never-ending with the snake biting his own tail. It was a different day and yet it was different indeed the destiny was always there and I’m thankful to her as she always knew when to plunge the dagger into the back, knew all the ways to betray when you need her the most. Still, I don’t oppose her I accept it as a man does need enemy more than friends and every story is epic, only when the dagger has been plunged into the back. Dear, today I met someone vibrant avid enthusiastic and unique, although I may be breaking rules here still the names are one of the best creations we ever had we carry it all the way through our career the whole course of life a jeweled garnet, sovereignty of yours ruled by the tenants. Today I met Stephen Robert. Well,…he’s brilliant for starters speaks fluent English had far preciously furnished writing that I’ll never have and it was a century-long conversation we ought. Really there’s a model of knowledge we can learn from everyone as in my pursuit of traveling I tried to taste that drop of salvation, being truthful when you see so many problems the warmth and tender un-symmetricity with which people appreciate there gullible attempts to hide all their worries reflected by just this trifle question of “how’s you”, that healing echo of “I’m fine” is the beginning of there healing. Not just that in the pursuit I find the immunity to run away from my alibies. Being indulged in everyone else, with the lack of empathy on my side. Yes, I can feel and hear you shouting that’s not the solution, yes dear I know it’s not but I’m weak as you can see. I was really thrilled when we planned to visit this school called Manna Wisdom far away from the sensitive and introvertly beautiful town of Bhubaneswar, we went ahead and ahead crossing the paths, feeling the old arid yet blushing wind. Accurately like a game of teasing playfully, the same scenic vegetation which always seemed to be beamed and delighted waved it’s regard, as the evening teenage sun guided us through the doorway only to realize the long-awaited journey finally brought us to the pavement. I was scared to move I was feared to be tangible. I feared to face that strength, that strength called hope. I entered with trembling hands not a new thing except an old question where I just can’t lie one I just can’t fake, I hope to acquire myself rather than being everyone else. It was a challenging sight to see as I enter and I won’t refrain from using the word challenge, there were so many young boys and girls and their mentors. Today I won’t be arguing or nagging about how things could have been better, what more ways could have been permuted to just jump on the debates, but instead, I’ll bend to the power of satisfaction and recognition. It grinds you through a holy war amongst you and your mind. Where all you see are problems, dwelling there from ages. I saw comfort in their eyes and the same physical elastic fear was returning through my eyes. A lovely common point to begin the mischief. The exact moment I entered their cubical small box of classes, my sight just lingered on a board a bold fanatic which said with audacity “If you think you can, you can”.

(Part3- Faith)

Being poor, when it comes to remembering names I started talking with them dividing into groups, talking about world richest man. Was that giving false hope? or just a serious joke of haphazard? Still the way I think I was the worlds richest at that very moment. We taught them about computers never felt such zeal in pressing those numeric keys till that day, never felt such joy in changing the font of Bill Gates, as we all were there founders of our own algorithms just laughing while inserting pictures, changing colors of everything that was presented. You never knew, but there are millions of ways billions of glasses but none is so unique as your perspective to look & your vision to charm every toiling Hindrance. Yes, there we were father of our own Google and Microsoft. A window of opportunity a startup where everything closed its doorway. The perfect truth and lies you can’t ignore. Dear, time just flew away, flew like a glorious dream of which everything you wanted to keep captivated within yourself. But unlike the dream here you had the memories, memories of everything that remained. So as we reach the third part boring you all through the end, knowing in the whole cosmos there’s only you to do that. I asked Stephen what was the last time you saw your parent which he didn’t remember, “so do they visit you” I asked with bounded independence, “No” he said again. But I wasn’t disappointed for long as there was someone, someone more benevolent and superior smilingly as he said Jesus does both of them.I’m an atheist obviously with a strong belief in God, with a strong sense that there is someone there is something. The positive energy of unlikely yet justified contemplated canopy of happiness and I bow to that, I bow till my heart extends. I’m a believer in the voyage of lost romantic resonance. I think I should end now as the words forget the measure of the count, as the words and the feeling of the heart doesn’t always combine to unite and as I’m not an intriguing incisive writer, we had a great picture together I waived my hands and he did the same, I said study well and he assured he’ll.  I don’t weep dear and that’s my biggest weakness I can hardly claim or show my attachments, yet it was a sweet kiss of bliss to spend time with them to learn to believe and the importance of not escaping but facing your problems by yourself. It’s a delicate feeling dear to realize you have problems and you have someone to put faith in them to blend love and affection in them to support you, to make you rise from ashes. Wherever you go whatever the problems you face there always be you. Eternally to look after yourself.

(As we look ahead into the next century, leaders will be those who empower others- Bill Gates)

By- Kshitij Sinha
31/7/2017