It’s a cold morning today, My eyes had opened early yet I procrastinated and chose to sleep even further, I found a difference though today that unlike the previous time’s I wasn’t just dozed off for hours I was just lying there with my eyes closed in hibernation and within an hour or somewhere between a half and an hour, I was awake sliding in the corner looking at the mirror. My pain in the right shoulder wasn’t that imminent and I was feeling my arm even more. Then suddenly I started checking my phone, there wasn’t anything no message no notification and for a brief instance I felt a bleak of emptiness, like my existence has to be doubted. Specifically, I met this person online and she’s a different case study a wired analogy, she’s pretty hard to understand or rather say one of the first such persons I have met or not even met personally just in this virtual world. She’s very moody and adamant it’s tough to understand her, she replies after hours and she’ll forget all of my initial text and thinks an emoji is an answer, she does share things about herself but in a very reserved and unpredictable way, she never asks anything about me and yet I like talking to her. It’s like a pull she has or could be this subtle mystery that she carries is something I could never get enough of. I want to understand her more I want to talk to her I want to feel her and I want to be that comfort to her which she doesn’t even need. Sometimes she sends me pictures of hers in a rare event. So balanced and poised.
Her hairs are always arranged with calmness her eyes so subtle and precise, her lips I wish to kiss at every instant…those are irresistible, her posture is always elegant and around her, she carries a charm which is so sophisticated. I feel touching and holding her I know it sounds desperate and creepy especially for someone whose last relationship ended more than two years ago and had never filled any senses till then, I can understand that these thoughts are desperate and maybe they’re but I have no intention of hiding them anymore. Especially with you Moavi, when you’re the one who knows everything whether in form of the morning pages or in the form of that imminent companion. She’s elder to me as well and that’s the criteria I have always looked for and admired, I have always wanted to be in a relationship with someone elder to me more mature to me, I have a feeling that I connect with that maturity. She stays alone and that’s something so compelling I respect that thought and she’s been staying like that for the past 4 years and I’ll tell you that’s not easy you have to have a nerve of steel a sense of everlasting detachment and a pinch of narcissism where you have that power without any intimate restrictions. She cooks very well and all those pictures have always been utterly delicious.
In her bio which as I’m unmatched currently can’t read anymore but I remember a thing that caught my attention…She said “it’s hard to love me and I’m very moody but when I love someone I know it then as it’s an undying feeling”
She has no interest in me, she doesn’t talk much, she hardly replies and I don’t think I have ever loved someone except an exception which I couldn’t figure out. Yet I feel weirdly attracted to her I think if we’ll ever meet or talk it’ll be very awkward and ambiguous…But somehow I want to be that person to her, that person for whom she has that undying incessant feeling.
By – Kshitij Sinha